If Motherhood Were an Adventure Path in Dungeons and Dragons

If Motherhood Were an Adventure Path in Dungeons and DragonsIf motherhood were an adventure path in Dungeons and Dragons it would probably be the most frustrating and strangely convoluted game ever.  Maybe almost as bad as the Call of Cthulhu because your sanity would constantly be at risk with all the fear of the unknown, anxiety of doing the right thing, and worry for (and caused by) one’s children.

All the playable characters (PCs) would be female, obviously, and there wouldn’t be a Dungeon Master, the DM would be a Dungeon Mistress.  Missions would consist of things like battling the tax free or mega sale shopping crowd to get everything your kid needed for the first day of school, and scrambling around to make sure that everything was packed for the family vacation, which would require more shopping battles for bathing suits for the kids and the mother PC.

The mother PC would have to face challenging enemies such as the Overly Opinionated Mother-in-Law with her power to cause overwhelming self-doubt , the Undermining Grandparents who jack the kids up on sugar resulting in behavior problems for a week after they finally leave, and the Clique of Perfect Moms with their evil glares of disgust and loathing causing massive inferiority complexes.

Before the game ever began a mother PC would have to roll for her stats as with any character preparation, and of course, this would strongly influence her race, that of Dwarf, Elf, Gnome, Half-Elf or Halfling.  I guess if you wanted you could be human, but if we’re playing a game then I want something more exotic.  Besides each race would have different days of gestation and child rearing years, which sets the mother PC up for some interesting additional challenges.  She’d also have to choose her class (fighter, mage, cleric, thief) and her alignment (ranging from lawful good to chaotic evil–this just makes things more fun).  Then she is ready to join her Mommy Adventure Party.

Because this is a Motherhood Adventure Path, before the game can truly commence there is the matter of determining the presence of a father/husband–this would obviously be an NPC (non-playable character) much like real life, though if she rolls just right she could end up with the perfect partner.  Then she rolls to see how many kids the mother PC has (being nice and using the 6 sided die for this one), how old each child is, and if she has one in the oven, so to speak.

It would be vital to equip the mother PC with armor such as rubber kitchen-gloves, pot-holder mittens, aprons of varying material, and to make sure that diaper bags and purses were filled with essentials for the kids.  Weapons would include the addition of kitchen utilities, cleaning products and such.

For the fun of it, I created a mother PC, and came up with the following:

  • Strength 12
  • Dexterity 13
  • Constitution 12
  • Intelligence 12
  • Charisma 7
  • Wisdom 6

I decided my race to be a Half-Elf (my Charisma was too low to be an Elf).  I chose my class as Mage because I didn’t have the minimum Wisdom to be a Cleric.  I rolled the unfortunate 6 for number of kids, and sadly a 1 for no husband.  The good news is that all of my character’s children had the same father, who merely died instead of deserting us.  She is a true neutral character as her primary focus is always to see that her brood is fed and cared for, so she will employ any means, lawful or unlawful to ensure that, though she tries to maintain a balance.

Now, it’s game on!

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