If you live near the coastal regions or anywhere within flying distance, you know about the seagulls. There are also other critters that seek out the picnic areas, but the seagulls are usually the most aggressive and visible where my family outing tend to take place. Their behavior is so predictable that it must be taught.
I’ll bet they gather in the nearest thicket of trees at the beginning of every summer break with a refresher each weekend. Here is what I imagine to be the points covered in Seagull Picnic Area Orientation.
- Picnic Areas mean food. It’s on the ground, in the containers, and in the hands of the flightless bipeds.
- Hover near the small flightless bipeds, especially those in restraints. They are young and drop more food. Watch out for the parental flightless bipeds, they don’t like the hovering near their young.
- Look for the white haired flightless bipeds. They like feeding us.
- Listen for the female flightless bipeds that coo. They also feed us.
- Teenage male flightless bipeds throw things, but only to watch us fight. Make sure it’s edible before you put on a good show.
- Avoid the flightless bipeds with the white arrows in that triangle symbol on their stuff. They never throw food because of some ridiculous notion they have about natural balance. Give them the evil eye and poop on their car (or bike).
- Elect one or two members of the flock to squawk and caw at the flightless bipeds as they eat. This annoys them and often leads to them throwing huge chunks of food with shouts of “Shut up and go away!”
- If you are feeling really bold and lucky you can sometimes snatch your choice off their table as the flightless bipeds tend their young or waste their time chattering at one another.